Honouring the role you have right now...

Gosh, this post has taken me so long to complete! Which is totally reflective of the topic of this blog! How to honour the roles I have all while pursuing my passion of teaching, coaching and writing!

So, nearly 8 weeks on from starting this post, here is the completed version...I hope you find areas that resonate for you, and some suggestions for how to navigate this challenge that we all face. As always, if you would like to explore this more with me one on one in a Coaching relationship, please contact me at abbiejonescoaching@gmail.com

This topic has been front and centre in my mind for years I guess, and something that I look to do within my own life every day and get a little better at it each year!!

How to reconcile who we are, our dreams and passions with the roles that we find ourselves in as women. As a woman in the country we face these questions everyday and every year. How to live a life true to who we are, pursuing the work or creative outlet we wish to all while holding down other roles and responsibilities. Or how do we combine full time work out of necessity while trying to fulfill other roles in life?

And possibly more importantly; how do we balance these roles to ensure we are living our best life, with energy, vitality, clarity and good health. How do we ensure that our wellbeing does not become the last thing on the list?

Roles

We all play roles in our lives.

We are mothers. We are wives.

We have volunteer roles. Work roles.

Roles are parts we play in our lives.

They are however, not who we are at our truest essence. That may seem a bit of a wishy washy statement perhaps, but I think we inherently know this if we consider it deeply enough. We are still us even if our roles change, there is so much more to us than what we do.

We understand this…when we see people lose their lifetime jobs or roles due to injury or illness.

Retirement that brings a crisis of confidence.

Children leave home and we suffer and wonder who we are.

When we leave or lose relationships.

When we deal with and grow into older age and face our mortality.

We are still there, still alive and breathing even when what we do changes.

Identification with roles

When we identify ourselves only as who we are in relation to our roles, we can overidentify with and become attached to these roles. Being defined by what we do and thinking that is all that we are.

When we overidentify with our roles, we attach our worth, our confidence, our loveability, and whole sense of self to what we do. Then, when they change, are challenged or end, we are lost.

And change they will. Change is a given and life is impermanent. We just spend our whole lives trying to deny that fact!

When we embrace change however, we can practice letting go of control and surrendering to the flow of life. We can appreciate our roles for the time that we have them, but recognise that they will change and evolve.

When we recognise that our roles are just that; a role that we play rather than who we really are, we also let go of our attachment to them. We are able to flow in and out of our roles with more ease and grace.

Key Point One:

We are not our roles, they are instead a part we play in life. We are much more than that. Our roles will change and flow with life.

Living this approach means that we can appreciate our roles as ways of showing up in the world, as ways for us to grow and evolve as humans. Showing up as our best selves and being of service.

Take your role as a Mother. You were you before you were a mother. You are a mother now, and it is just one way of growing and being of service to others and to the world. Part of your evolution and personal growth.

Your role on that committee is just another way you have chosen to show up in the world. A way of contributing to something meaningful to you…

Your job? A role. A way of combining talent, skills, passion and matching a need in the world.

As you read this, do you feel that you truly show up in your roles?

That they help you to grow?

That you are contributing to something meaningful to you?

Do you perhaps instead, feel depleted by your roles?

We can only truly be of service and show up in the world in our roles when we have ‘filled our own cup’. Such a cliched statement, but ultimately that means when you are full of purpose, energy, enthusiasm, conviction, balance and contentment – fulfilled.

When this occurs our energy overflows to others, and we bring true value to that role.

Key Point Two:

We can show up in our roles and be of services when we are fulfilled and overflowing.

How many roles do you play in your life?

Have you ever taken the time to write down and reflect on all the roles you play?

Action Step:

Review your roles. List them comprehensively.

What are your values and top priorities in life?

Do your roles reflect and align with your values and who you are or want to be?

Reflect on how much energy you give to each role and whether this role is energy giving or depleting.

“Values make it easier for you to surround yourself with the right people, make tough career choices, use your time more wisely, and focus your attention where it matters. Without them we are swept away by distractions.”

Jay Shetty.

The time and energy we give to all of the roles in our lives directly impacts how we feel about our lives.

If we are focused on our values, know what they are and choose to spend energy and time accordingly, we will feel more purposeful, calm, more energetic, enthusiastic and content with our lives.

If we are not, if we spread our energy thinly over many, many roles, and spend our time and energy on roles we don’t truly care about or value.

As a result we feel overwhelmed, resentful, stretched and disgruntled, often leading to fatigue, anxiety, and scattered energy. In this state, we are not honouring or respecting ourselves and we most certainly cannot honour the roles we have.

Key Point Three:

Make your roles a conscious choice. This is your one and precious life. Make them count and treasure your energy, honour your values and who you are.

It is really the question of:

Am I doing many things half-heartedly or could I instead do fewer things well with my focus, heart and soul, all while being able to find balance within myself, give myself time and energy to be full and able to give with joy, energy and enthusiasm?

Modern life has given us so much choice.

We have everything at our fingertips.

We can squeeze in this, fit in that…I know this so well! This is me to a tee! What else could I 'fit in?'

Modern life also encourages and facilitates multi-tasking and multi-role-ing!

But NOOO! This is not the way! This way of living doesn't serve us as women, not our biology, not our minds, hearts and souls.

Have you ever stopped to question if it doesn’t have to be that way?

Do you consciously know why you are doing everything you are doing?

Do you simply say yes to things but resent it every step of the way?

Of course, you will be asked to do roles!! Other people want you involved, want your help. Want to fill committees. But it is not the other person’s life. You know you. You do you.

Do you consider that you are able to say no and that you and others respect your choices?

When we all show up depleted and over giving we just continue the cycle.

I know you may feel that this is what is right. Society has conditioned us to give, give and give more.

Life is changing quickly, and we need to establish a new role for women. One that honours our feminine energy and enables feminine power to come through. This doesn’t happen when you are tired, overwhelmed, over giving and spreading yourself too thinly.

Key Point:

Give yourself permission to truly honour you, respect yourself, your priorities and your existing roles.

Let’s get real here.

In this modern life, we take on too many roles in our lives in short time frames.

We have in our efforts to be the fullest and equal citizens, empowered women that of course we are; we have in fact just added tremendously to our workload to our own detriment.

We now hold paid and unpaid roles outside the home, while still managing the home and family life, and parenting.

How’s that going for you? And how is that going for us?

In my opinion, we are seeing the evidence of how this is negatively impacting women, in their health, mental health, relationships, self love and self care.

When we overstretch ourselves, it is not just a grumpy mood or overwhelm that is the result.

Long term living this way becomes our habits, then our character and it therefore our life.

Living out of balance creates imbalance in our energetic and physical bodies resulting in disease (dis-ease).

Our cells are energy. The energy that circulates through your body as a result of thoughts, emotions and actions has very real and physical consequences.

Dis-ease is so often the result of living out of kilter and living out of alignment with who we are, what we want and who we want to be.

Key Point:

The results of living out of alignment with our roles are not trivial. They determine our life and our health. Don’t wait for something to go wrong or get sick before you make change.

Maybe we can start looking at life through a different lens.

When we see our lives as seasons, such as our Spring or Maiden time, the time of Summer or the Mother, the season of Autumn or Wild Woman and the time of our Winter or Wise Woman we can see that we can have different roles in each of these times.

Where are you at right now?

What is important right now?

What do you truly value?

What can you leave for another day? Another time and season in your life?

Can you let go just a little?

I am always reminded of the quote:

“We can do all things, but not at once.”

Quentin Bryce

What roles are part of this season of your life? Can you honour that role right now? Can you trust that you will be able to flow and transition to other roles in your lifetime?

Can you adjust your roles? Make some smaller? Share roles with others and get support?

Can you adjust your expectations or mindset around your roles?

Acknowledge that these roles may not be forever, but it is part of right now.

You can see the importance of it and know that you can bring something to it that reflects who you are? Not all roles have to be perfectly aligned. But you can bring that to them.

Key Point:

Your roles have seasons. They shift and change. Trust the flow of life.

When we have awareness that we are something far deeper and truer than the roles we play in life it can make those roles seem a little silly at times!

When all is said and done by the end of your life, perhaps as soon or as far away as that may come, so so many of your roles will seem so unimportant. And you may wish you hadn’t given them so much of your precious energy and time.

You may wish that you didn’t live your life depleted and giving to so many roles, but instead did fewer of them with your heart and soul and feeling full, well, content, calm, balanced, energetic and enthusiastic.

When we cast our gaze big like this perhaps that we can see that we can let go a little, surrender to our roles, but far less of them.

Make your question; not how can I do more?

But instead; perhaps how can I do less and do what I am doing now with my fullest presence?

How can I honour the role I am playing right now?